About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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