Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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