look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
