what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
