Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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