i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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