you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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