I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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