sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
