Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
