rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
