Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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