Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
