I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They took my balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize