There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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