My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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