My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
