I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
