Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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