Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
