My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Send help, water and tortillas.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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