FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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