his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
