The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
