I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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