today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There are leaves in my underwear?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
