My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
