Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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