Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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