Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
