if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
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you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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