I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
