I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
