yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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