I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
