You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
