You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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