I hate all girls vehemently.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
