At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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