the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
