Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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