Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
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