last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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