Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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