If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
