I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
