her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
