We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
