Sry I called you an 8
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
