If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
