Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
