watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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