guys are not supposed to queef...right?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
