Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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