my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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