i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
