remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
