I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
