who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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