She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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