so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I deserve this hangover.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
