I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
